I woke up today feeling so despondent. Inexplicably and untouchably despondent. It started with some very stressful dreams and then completely set in by the time my feet hit the floor. I don’t care about anything. Smiling? How does one do that again?

I don’t feel like eating but I have a general feeling of being unsatiated – like I should pillage my kitchen and consume everything in sight. Unfortunately all I have around right now is beer that’s been sitting there for a month and hummus. And no pita. But it doesn’t matter if I had food anyway because I don’t care enough to eat it, let alone make something.  

It would almost be better if I had something to focus all of this negative energy on but there is literally zero cause for me to feel this way. I have nothing to be upset about! My life is great! But UGHHH I just want to wallow in it. To dive wayyyy down deep into it. Sequester myself. Maybe sit alone in the Laemmle for a movie and then follow that up by sitting alone at The Press and write some scathing observations while I people watch. Be quietly bitchy – no need to drag anyone else down here with me. 

Instead I will be going in to work where I will be forced to be cute and charming. To be ON, keyed up and chipper. To act like I caaaare. To make recommendations or sit patiently while my customers endlessly ponder the most important decision of their lives: what glass of wine they’re going to drink. To smile and alternate between my “I’m listening very intently” and “what you’re saying is really interesting right now” faces. What comes effortlessly to me most days, today feels like such a tremendous burden. I’m aware of the ridiculousness of this – how ridiculous *I* am. WOE IS ME, RIGHT? ISN’T MY LIFE JUST SO HARD? I MEAN, I’M ABOUT TO GO TASTE SOME AMAZING WINES IN THE COMPANY OF SOME VERY COOL PEOPLE. But oh, what I wouldn’t give to throw a tantrum right now. A gnarly, wailing, toddler foot stomping tantrum. 

So instead of walking down the length of the bar with my arm stretched out to knock over every single glass of wine as I am fanaticizing doing right now, I’m going to make an effort. Treat this as an exercise. I’m going to focus every ounce of energy I have into bringing positivity to everyone I encounter and perhaps some of that positivity will radiate back to me. Though I would relish right now in being miserable, I really don’t have that choice while I’m at work. So here’s to hoping it works, that I don’t throw wine in someone’s face or drop food in their lap and then skip in delight out the door :D